Anger. It seems to be all I feel lately. This boiling rage that stems from somewhere deep and just stews there. The timing couldn’t be worse but then I never could get timing right. We leave here in 5 weeks. We pack out in 3. I have tons to do and can’t seem to accomplish crap. Instead I sleep all damn day and turn into a bitch at night. I don’t know why. I’m glad to be getting out of here. It just seems like all of a sudden issues I’ve repressed (or attempted to) since childhood are resurfacing on top of little things getting to me.

It’s like I want to scream and kick and claw and say its not fair mother fuckers it’s not fair!!! It’s not fair what that man did when I was four. It’s not fair his wife threatened to kill me if I told. It’s not fair that so many weirdoes looked at me as a child and only saw me as a doll to play with. It’s not fair the teenage boys hurt me or raped me or made fun of me or called me a slut. It’s not fair that I covered up my pain with alcohol and what-not. It’s not fair my Dad left for good when I was 15 and married a girl my own age and then had nothing to do with me again. It’s not fair that I gave all the love I had to my ex only to have him shit on me. It’s not fair that I have eating disorders or tourrettes syndrome and people often look at me like I’m some kind of freak. I’m pissed off and I can’t express it appropriately. Instead I tend to be self destructive. I just want to be normal. I want happiness. I want the hole inside me to fill up.

I haven’t been able to write because frankly, I have been so embarrassed with the things I’ve done and the pathetic coping skills I resorted to.

Funny thing though, I read a journal one day about a girl who was feeling extremely depressed and talking suicidal. She’s about my age and has a child too. Instead of feeling sorry I felt pissed. I was surprised at my reaction because I know what it feels like to be that depressed but there I was reading and thinking “Damn girl, get over yourself. Nothing stays bad forever. Suicide is the chickenshit way out. I didn’t respond to here because you know, if you can’t say something nice….. I hope here next entry is better cuz the other way just shouldn’t be an option.

Anywho, I don’t know where I’m going with this just that I’m tired of being irritable. It’s like a month long PMS and I need a cookie.

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