Anger without management
2007-05-27 - 6:31 p.m.
Anger. It seems to be all I feel lately. This boiling rage that stems from somewhere deep and just stews there. The timing couldnít be worse but then I never could get timing right. We leave here in 5 weeks. We pack out in 3. I have tons to do and canít seem to accomplish crap. Instead I sleep all damn day and turn into a bitch at night. I donít know why. Iím glad to be getting out of here. It just seems like all of a sudden issues Iíve repressed (or attempted to) since childhood are resurfacing on top of little things getting to me.
Itís like I want to scream and kick and claw and say its not fair mother fuckers itís not fair!!! Itís not fair what that man did when I was four. Itís not fair his wife threatened to kill me if I told. Itís not fair that so many weirdoes looked at me as a child and only saw me as a doll to play with. Itís not fair the teenage boys hurt me or raped me or made fun of me or called me a slut. Itís not fair that I covered up my pain with alcohol and what-not. Itís not fair my Dad left for good when I was 15 and married a girl my own age and then had nothing to do with me again. Itís not fair that I gave all the love I had to my ex only to have him shit on me. Itís not fair that I have eating disorders or tourrettes syndrome and people often look at me like Iím some kind of freak. Iím pissed off and I canít express it appropriately. Instead I tend to be self destructive. I just want to be normal. I want happiness. I want the hole inside me to fill up.
I havenít been able to write because frankly, I have been so embarrassed with the things Iíve done and the pathetic coping skills I resorted to.
Funny thing though, I read a journal one day about a girl who was feeling extremely depressed and talking suicidal. Sheís about my age and has a child too. Instead of feeling sorry I felt pissed. I was surprised at my reaction because I know what it feels like to be that depressed but there I was reading and thinking ďDamn girl, get over yourself. Nothing stays bad forever. Suicide is the chickenshit way out. I didnít respond to here because you know, if you canít say something niceÖ.. I hope here next entry is better cuz the other way just shouldnít be an option.
Anywho, I donít know where Iím going with this just that Iím tired of being irritable. Itís like a month long PMS and I need a cookie.
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