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Feel it from across the ocean
2006-12-12 - 10:05 a.m.

She's got eyes
of the bluest skies
and if they
thought of rain
I'd hate to look
into those eyes
and see an ounce of pain


For two weeks now she has made it a point to remind me that her birthday is only x-more days away. Sheíll be 15. Each time she reminds me she adds a woeful ďI wonder if heíll call me and acknowledge itĒ I smile at her, but I cringe inside. Since the summer fiasco with the kidsí father, he hasnít contacted them once. Itís been over 5 months. I try not to think about it because I get so pissed off when I do. The day we left he told them heíd call them in a few days. Yea and here it is Dec. I donít understand how he could do this to these kids. How he can just disregard them after all these years. Theyíre kids dammit.

A part of me wants to call and say what the hell gives you the right? But I donít want to waste the time or the energy on this whipping of a dead horse. What kills me is that my dad did this to me when I was exactly her age. He went and started a new family and erased me. It hurt bad. Even with all the horrible memories of things heíd done in the past, it still hurt to know I wasnít worth his effort. My ex knew this about me. He knew the pain. I canít understand how he now justifies doing the same thing to his own daughter.

And hereís the thing. He has no excuses. Just because Iím in Africa doesnít mean he canít contact them. He knows the address, I gave him the phone number (that if he called on his momís phone wouldnít cost him a dime) and Iíve had the same email for 8 years. Even if he claimed he lost all of that, my sister is married to his cousin and they live in the same damn town. His mother has my mothers phone number.

Sure he could use the ďYou turned the kids against me or why havenít they called me?Ē Well, thereís an answer for that too. First of all, dear ex, you were the one who lied to the kids and me. You were the one who took off for 3 days without telling your whereabouts after we just flew in from Africa and they hadnít seen you in 2 years. You were the one who broke your promises and spent roughly 2/3rds of your time with them on the phone with the woman you claimed you wanted nothing to do with. In my opinion, you being the adult and all, should be apologizing at least to them.

Remember how we came for Fathers Day? Remember how you still acted depressed because you werenít with your son (by her)? And you made it a point to tell the kids that? Sure made them feel good. I wonder how many times you did that to your son(with her)? You know, when he tried to make you feel good for a special occasion and it wasnít good enough because K and D werenít there. I am willing to bet never.

The mail came today. There was no card for her. In 2 days it will be her big day. Iím about 99.99% sure he wonít acknowledge it and call her. My heart hurts knowing that she is holding out, still hopeful and is going to get her heart broken. If I had special powers Iíd give him a mental bitch slap.

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