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The Real and True way to be a Good Christian Wife. Promise. No, really.
2006-05-05 - 10:23 a.m.

I read an entry on a site which I wonít link to since I donít want to contribute to this womanís traffic. At any rate she wrote about how to be a good Christian wife. At first I thought it was a joke and it still may be but she comments as though she were truly sincere. If thatís the case her advice is off. Since I happen to know someone whoís related to someone whoís friends with someoneís cousin, I am confident enough to say that my advice is much more educated and correct. So I am fixing her errors in order to set the record straight.

1. Always be up before your Husband in the morning so you can have the bathroom to yourself before he wakes and stinks it up. Although it is the morning, there is no need to be slovenly, always make sure you are showered and dressed with your hair fixed and your make-up on. When he argues about the maxed out credit cards from Macys, Nordstrom and Mac, gently remind him that you are doing this to please him. ALWAYS serve fresh orange juice. Only whores use frozen (Because well, I saw this porn once where the lady had this frozen can of OJ and she put it in Ö..ahem) If you donít have fresh oranges fresh squeezed milk will do. If you canít supply that, surely you have a lactating friend somewhere who (as a good Christian) would be happy to share. Find them!

2. DO NOT sit down at breakfast. Grab it, throw it in a bag for you and your spouse and get your butts to work. If you are a SAHM throw his in a bag, if you have time, (donít forget his paper!!) and go tend to your kids. Or re-apply your lipstick or whatever. Brunch is better anyway.

3. DO NOT be a clingy wife! Your Husband has a lot on his mind in the morning, planning out his busy day. Bitching is far more effective then clinging. Do not try to engage him in conversation about what your plans for the day are or other trivial matters. He doesnít need to know how much money you plan to spend or where youíre having brunch. Always walk him to the door so you can ensure it wonít hit him in the ass as he leaves. Make sure to carry with you any of the things he has forgotten so he doesn't need to go back for them. Offer yourself for a kiss, but if he is too busy to notice DO NOT POUT, just remember an eye for an eye baby. He has a lot of responsibility and the morning is not the time for feminine hysterics. Itís better to save that up for evenings and weekends

4. DO NOT CALL YOUR HUSBAND AT WORK. Nothing will distract him from his responsibilities at work faster than trying to deal with yours as well. It can wait. In the case of an actual emergency, of course, calling him at work is necessary. PMS induced crying jags are not emergencies (again best saved for weekends when you have his full attention.

5. Spend your day cooking and cleaning. Or hire someone to do it for you. There is no excuse for anything other than a spotless house. Filth is for pigs not humans and cleaning top to bottom everyday is a good use of your time as well as good exercise, Unless you have better things to do like shop or work or sleep or pray or something. In which case, clean your house from side to side. You can always stuff crap in the closet, under the couch or under the bed. If there are no dirty dishes hiding in the oven, bake lots of cookies and cakes and treats. ALWAYS REMEMBER a fat Husband is a faithful Husband. Be sure he has a sizable insurance policy. If you donít bake have handcuffs or rope available. A chained husband is also a faithful husband. Or keep pictures of Lorraine Bobbit by his bedside. This is also helpful.

6. When your Husband gets home from work, do not jump him with problems you've had during the day, or questions about his day. He needs time to relax and wind down. Have one of the kids fetch him a beer. If you have no kids teach your pets to do it. Make sure the TV remote is next to his chair and the batteries are fresh. Once he walks in the door, ladies...turn OFF the soaps and talk shows because you donít want to miss American Idol or CSI New York. Gary SiniseÖmmmmm

7. Have a snack ready for him to eat as you (or your house help) finish dinner. If he is not happy with your choice of snack DO NOT POUT, Throw the damn can of Pringles at his head.

8. Dinner should be more formal than breakfast. At this meal you may be seated, and allow him to serve himself from the table. Of course if he wants hotter gravy or something from the kitchen, smile and graciously tell him to kiss your left cheek. DO NOT PIG OUT. If you do, there will be no room for brownie ala mode. Always remember that the average woman in America is a size 14. If you are somewhere in that range you are good to go.

9. After dinner you may begin making Brownie ala mode. See if he wants sprinkles with that. He will be in a state of relaxation by this point and feel contented. If he aims a playful swipe at your backside during the clearing, respond with an "oh you!", smile and continue to the kitchen to get his dessert. Later, when he isnít expecting it, goose the crack of his backside, smile and see what he says.

10. When choosing a dessert, remember a fat man is a faithful man and a full man will fall asleep fast. Use lots of rich icings and creamy fillings. Make sure the insurance policy is up to date.

11. Do not complain or question if your Husband has plans for after dinner. Make him take you with him. Or make it a point to call at least twice to check up on him. Use your free time to bake more, or to do his laundry. Or take a bath and have some wine.

12. Always go to bed before your Husband. Youíve had a long and busy day and need your beauty sleep. He deserve a quiet time to reflect on his day and to plan for tomorrow or he can at least read to the kids and put them to bed. If he wakes you for sex when he comes to bed, give in graciously. If youíre tired, just lie there motionless. Men dig this. Or pay him back for not kissing you goodbye earlier.

13. Never initiate sex yourself. Only whores initiate sex.

14. Ok, disregard number 13. Itís just stupid.

I hope that you find this advice useful in your everyday life. Pin it to the fridge, or on your pornographic orange juice. And donít forget to pray. Jesus loves you.

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