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And I Won't Cry Anymore
2005-04-19 - 9:08 a.m.

I started thinking about how much I wanted a baby again. My littlest one is 5 now. I miss having a baby. I miss being needed like that. I miss fuzzy heads and baby smells. Itís like I have some sort of hole or void in myself I keep needing to fill and I donít know how. I look at baby pictures of my kids and I sigh. I brought it up to the hubby. He bought me a puppy. I guess thatís as much of a baby as Iím going to get. Well, I did pout a little for her but he bought her for me. She is a dachshund/mini pinscher mix. She is tiny and adorable. Our newest family member is Misty. Scooter isnít crazy about her but slowly warming up to the idea of this little rat-dog jumping all over him. I have a small Mudd backpack she rides in when I take him for walks.

So yesterday was a bad day for me. My board members make all the decisions regardless of me or my opinion. Calling me the Chairman of the board is a big freaking joke. Like I explained to G itís like I donít count with anyone outside of my family. My thoughts, ideas even my feelings donít count. Not with the board members, with so-called friends, with my ex. I feel so angry because of it and it festers inside me. I feel like Iím walked on so much. I avoid speaking up because I donít want to be ďthe bitchĒ. To all these people, when I do put out my thoughts, they pretty much go ignored. Iím tired of feeling this way and Iím tired of being so angry.

Speaking of harboring anger and resentment, my ex asked if he could take the kids for a year. My thoughts lead me to believe it has more to do with money and have child support switched into his favor more than anything else. He wrote to me about unconditional love and loyalty. Iím assuming he meant thatís what the kids should feel for him. I asked him if he canít afford to send a dime now how he intended to support them for a year. No response. You can see where I might feel this is a money issue. I couldnít separate them from their little sister for a year anyway. I asked him to come to Ca. (many times) to get to know the kids. He declined. Youíd think if he really wanted to get to know these kids heíd put a little more effort in. Iíve done all I can and now feel emotionally drained. It seems itís more important that they see him with ďhis familyĒ (girlfriend and 2 kids) then anything else. Which donít get me wrong; they have been with the whole pack every visit. They asked that they could have a day or two alone with their Dad without the rest of them but that was of course unheard of. I resent how little he has done, I resent how he has played with my emotions (it seems to be now one of total indifference to me), I resent how I have bent over backwards to accommodate them and I resent how Iím supposed to do so much but then I should just FOD. I know I need to get over this. I have been harboring a lot for about 10 years now and I just want to let it all go. It hurts so much to know that someone you have done so much for so long has no regard for you. ďAnd I canít cry anymoreĒ. I intend to speak to the therapist about this. Itís so long overdue.

I think part of me feels as though letting go will mean letting go of all of them. And they were my family for so long. I loved them so much. I have so many memories. I donít want to drop my family because one woman has serious insecurities. It may just have to be done if Iím ever to make peace with myself. Again this makes me angry. Itís not fair that some people refuse to find a middle ground. OK I think Iím done rambling now, but then what is this place if not for a release of emotions? One thing I am grateful as hell for is the fact then my husband knows how I feel and is there to pick me up every time Iím down. He has been a shoulder to cry on even if it is over another man. He has been my best friend through it all and I donít know what Iíd do without him.

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