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About Me
On having daughters and being me
2004-07-22 - 4:55 p.m.

After begging and whining and moaning for months (since February, actually) I caved in and took Kelly to get her hair cut. All her thick, gorgeous blonde hair was whacked off to expose her darker hair underneath. Itís cute cut too. Even though I didnít want her to, I let her. And guess what? Today, after not even a month she says, I think Iím going to grow my hair out. I like it long. I could almost kill her. Almost.

I have a hard time with this kind of stuff. When I was her age, I didnít care about my hair or clothes. I mean I was neat and clean, but not interested in fashion or whatnot. Kelly has been this little fashion queen, wanting to change her look every 4 to 6 months. I have to admit it drives me nuts. Iím more of a pick a look and go with it for a few years kind of person. I guess thatís why I feel so blah though. Iím always the same and donít do well with change. Anyway..

I had another drinking incident last weekend. Another marine bbq and stupid me forgot to eat and had a few drinks on an empty stomach. You know how thereís the one person who is obviously drunk, talks too loud, and seems kind of goofy. Yup, that was me. Not one of my finer moments I assure you. Yes, I was embarrassed to no end the next day. No, I did not throw up there. I waited until I got home. It could have been worse I suppose. I wasnít obnoxious or anything. Just obviously drunk. I donít want people to see me like that. It really sucks and Iím not getting any younger. I drank a lot as a teenager. Iím well past those days, or at least I try to be. Thankfully there werenít too many people there. Again, it could have been worse.

We did go to the zoo last weekend that is located in the back of the Schonbrunn Palace Grounds. It is said to be the oldest zoo in the world. It was nice and quaint. But after going to the San Diego zoo hundreds of times, this one was pretty small. Still, it made for a nice day until Dylan fell off a giant tree trunk in the play area and landed on his back. We went home after that. It was too hot anyway.

The other day Kelly was playing some old videos that showed me 10 years ago and again about 3 years ago. It was sad seeing myself so young. Makes me really wonder what the hell happened to me. In the video of me 3 years ago I weighed around 30 pounds less than I do now. I couldnít believe it. My butt was still huge. And at that time I still thought I was looking good. Sheesh. I also realized (I was singing karaoke at a bar) that I canít sing for beans. Kelly thought the whole video was hilarious.

I have been walking (clearly not my ass off) for 5 months and havenít seen any major progress. Itís frustrating but then I remind myself what Iíd be if I werenít doing anything. I just dread going back to see my ex and feeling like his girlfriend is secretly laughing herself silly over how ďshapelyĒ I look. Crud. Someone tell me itís gonna be alright. I need some affirmation.

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