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Just One Of Those Days...
2004-03-25 - 4:22 p.m.

Yesterday was one of those days that were so crappy for me that it was almost comical. I had an appointment with an ENT to see if he could figure out what is growing in my throat. A small alien comes to mind but if it is, it’s still in an embryonic stage. Last week I went to the med unit with what I thought was typical swollen lymph or something. Well, they said it could be that, or maybe a cyst, or maybe a blockage in my saliva gland, or maybe a family of sea monkeys. After a week of children’s antibiotics (because that’s all they had) the lump in my throat was still there. So off to the specialist I went.

I should’ve known what I’d be in for after 2 mega cups of coffee. I use a soup mug actually. Emily stayed home from school so I had to go pick up Glen at 11:45 because I would be taking public (transportation) the rest of the way while he took Emi home. I called as I was nearing the corner to the Embassy and he told me to just wait outside of the Embassy parking to save time. Well, the Embassy is right next to a Psychology University and there is only a one-way street. There was no parking and cars were behind me honking so I had to move. I thought I would turn around at the corner but 2 trolleys blocked me so I was forced across the main street. Every freakin road was a one-way going opposite of the way I need to go till I was lost and cussing up a storm. That’s where my Tourrettes comes in.

Glen called, “where are you honey?”

“WHERE AM I???? I’m FREAKIN LOST GOING DOWN FREAKIN ONE-WAY STREETS $%^%%^*NO &*$%@# PARKING ANYWHERE! FLIPPITY FREAKIN STUPID BAGEL HEAD MO FO LOST!”

From the back seat, “I heard that Mommy. Potty mouth.”

“Just calm down hun. Where are you?”

“I’m *^&$^&*($*#! LOST! Oh wait, I know this street. Let me turn around”

However these streets are shared with trolleys and busses and Eskimos with dog sleds so they have these bumps or curves in the middle of the road. I had to backtrack quite a ways before I could turn around. So then I go to pick him up and he drops me off at Schottentor where there are trolleys, subways and busses. I had a map to get on the #2. I wasn’t aware that there was a #2U-bahn (subway) as well as a #2Shnellbahn (trolley) I think I spelled that right. Anyway, I was supposed to get on the trolley and I got on the Subway. Glen called again. “So how goes it? Are you alright?”

“I think I’m on the wrong number 2. No I KNOW I’m on the wrong one. Just kill me now please”

So I got off at the next stop and it took me 10 minutes just to figure out how to get to the other side of the subway tracks. I would have just hopped down and run across the tracks but everyone who knows me, knows MY luck. I would’ve been Alana Salami. I got on the other subway and headed back. Did I mention how much I had to pee at this point from the coffee? Well, yea. I had to pee. I found the #2 trolley and was on the right path. I even got off at the right stop. I wondered a block up the street till I realized I was on the wrong side.

Finally I found the office and went inside. I had to pee so bad that I ran to the bathroom fumbled for a light, couldn’t find it and peed in the dark. I may have even peed on my foot a bit. Wouldn’t be the first time at all.

I went in to see the doctor and all his gadgets were primitive to say the least. Everything was big and metal and he had to warm it on a metal warmer thing from the 50s or 60s. He poked and prodded and said in his heavy Austrian accent, “Hmmm, I don kno vat dis is eider. Very intresting though,no? You take some inflammatory paste I give you, ya? And if dis ting in your neck is no gone then Ve do Ultrasound. Ya? Gut. But I have never seen dis before.”

And that was it. I was done. I walked outside and called Glen to tell him the happy news. I lost my sense of direction and was confused as to where to hop back on the trolley. As I was talking to Glen I said “I’m FREAKIN LOST AGAIN!” and with that, my foot buckled on the curb and I fell in the street. Did I mention it was raining? Well, at least it wasn’t on an extremely busy main street where everyone could see. Oh wait, yes it was. My mouth spewed cuss words the way Satan spews fire. It was raining and I was cold and I crunched my knee a good one. I even got the fresh envelope with the bill inside nice a dirty and wet.

I did find the trolley and made it back to Schottentor. There was a McD*nalds across the street and I got some potato wedges with sour cream dip that turned out to be mayonnaise. When I got off the trolley I went to the video place to rent some movies. On the way out, the rain picked up. I had Glens umbrella so I opened up and stood to wait for the bus. The wind blew and the umbrella flipped inside out or backwards and I was getting rained on and had this crazy urge to throw the defective umbrella down and stomp the living sh*t out of it. But I didn’t. Wasn’t like I was on a busy street where everyone could see. Oh yea, I was. As I walked toward the bus I dropped a movie and stepped on it. At this point laughing was my only option. I rode the bus home and hobbled up the hill. We watched the movies and by nightfall it was snowing. Again. Sigh. What a day. But the movie was good. It was called IDENTITY. I like John Cusack anyway.

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