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What you get when you ask me.
2007-03-20 - 9:11 a.m.

First of all, I want to thank all of you for the comments and giving me something to think about. I did take it to heart. I was feeling like a tool for writing the ďnobody loves me, I suckĒ whine but well, I guess I needed some validation. I admit it. I needed it. Thank you. Now, moving onward and upward.

It started the other night with Em asking in her whispery, girlish voice, ďMom, why do girls get periods?Ē Ahem, and so it began.

Me: Well, see, girls have a uterus and itís shaped like an upside-down pear with these arm-like things called fallopian tubes and ovaries for hands.
Em: Ovaries?
Me: Yeah, they look like eggs. But they have eggs in them. Every month a little egg pops out and floats down. The uterus walls get thick with blood and if the egg isnít fertilized it comes out with the blood.
Em: (here it comes) How does it get fertilized?
Me: Well, a man and a woman have sex. They fit together like a puzzle and the man puts sperm in the woman that look like little tadpoles.
Em: Like a puzzle? I donít get it. What does a uterus look like again?
Me: Iíll draw you a picture and show you. Um. Tomorrow.
And the very next morning (cuz she reminded me first thing) I drew a uterus with the tubes and ovaries and lining. Then, I drew a crude drawing of a naked woman with dots for nipples and hair all askew. I drew the uterus on her where it would be. Then I drew a penis with testicles and sperm floating around and a crude naked man with a very plain little penis. Plus dots for nipples. I labeled it all accordingly and showed her.
Em: Ew theyíre naked.
Me: Would you rather see a drawing or the real thing?
Em: the drawing.

She scrunched up her nose as though I was showing her penthouse photos. I explained everything again this time saying the puzzle part was the manís penis fitting into the womanís vagina. I drew an egg and traced the path downward. I drew a little baby blurby thing in the womanís uterus.

Em: Thatís so gross. Is there another way to get pregnant instead? I wasnít in the mood to discuss IVF or anything so I said, ďUnless, he squirts it in his hand and then turkey bastes it up there, no.Ē

That my friends is sex ed 101 Alana style. I was so impressed with my drawing that at 8:03 in the morning I went to Kellys room, shook her awake and said look at my work! I thrust it before her beaming with pride. She looked at the clock looked at my drawing, grunted and turned over. Clearly, she was not as impressed as I. Pfft.

And because I am speaking of vaginas, the other day I was thinking about how men love the image of things. Thatís the turn on. I donít get it because to me an open lipped (sorry to the queasy) vagina looks like sliced deli meat. Then I got to thinking about different types of deli meat and if my vagina were, in fact deli meat, what kind would it be? After much internal debate I decided mine would be ham. Itís not spicy like pastrami or salami, or cooked like roast beef. Itís ham. It goes good with a lot of things without being too exotic and is still good on its own. Ham.

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