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Oh well, whatever, nevermind
2005-07-31 - 10:02 p.m.

It all started with me misplacing my pills last month. We came back from our Disneyland adventure and I couldnít find my pills anywhere. I told dh I needed to find them. I missed 4 days of pills and we had been intimate. I didnít worry because I have done this many times. I found the pills on the 4th day and doubled up till I caught up. I have been on the pill on and off for about 17 years so believe me when I say no big deal.

Anyway, a couple of weeks later and my boobs are killing me. Not the kind where you squeeze them to see if they hurt and then they do but youíre not sure if itís because you just spent 10 minutes squeezing them or not. No, they hurt like the wrath of the Sun God in the desert during summer. The pounding piercing, throbbing pain wouldnít let up. I became increasingly moody. Bad PMS I thought.

One day I bought a HPT on a whim and rushed home and took it. Negative. Whew. But then 3 days later I figured I ought to pee on the other one, you know, so it wouldnít go to waste. Imagine my surprise when I saw a second blue line. It was faint but it was visible. I thought holy shit. This was so not planned. Weíre going to Africa in 3 weeks. I need a yellow fever shot! We donít even have a vehicle! Iíll be giving birth in a jungle! Or worse sent home to give birth alone. I weigh close to 240 pounds. I canít gain 40 more now!

I called up dh and told him the news. He said a very low yay. He knew how I felt. He did say no matter what weíd be fine and it would be a blessing.

Just in case it was a fluke I went and bought another HPT in a different brand. That one too, had a second blue line. This time it was darker. My older two kids suspected something so I told them the news. Once the initial shock wore off I started thinking about the good things. I told my mom, dad and sisters. I was thinking it must be a boy. I was planning to make an appointment with the doctor.

The next day I went shopping and lifted heavy boxes but thought nothing of it. The day after that I thought Iíd best start walking before it gets too hard. I walked with mom for an hour. When I came home the cramping started. I went to the bathroom and sure enough saw red. I thought maybe it will stop. I laid down. It didnít stop and the cramps only got worse. I bled so heavy I knew it was over.

I didnít cry. I felt sad and bummed but I felt like the time just wasnít right. I had to tell everyone it was over as quickly as it started. I didnít have enough time for anything. That was the fastest Iíd ever knew. I do feel a little sad and dh was bummed. He had begun to get excited and think about getting the crib out of storage. For some odd reason I feel like I tricked everyone with a really lousy trick. Or I let everyone down. I donít know what happened. Iím kind of mad. Like if I was pregnant why did it all go away so fast? All I know is that for those 3-4 days I stared at that second blue line on both tests and thought of all the possibilities. Perhaps the time will be right again some time.

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