I started thinking about how much I wanted a baby again. My littlest one is 5 now. I miss having a baby. I miss being needed like that. I miss fuzzy heads and baby smells. It�s like I have some sort of hole or void in myself I keep needing to fill and I don�t know how. I look at baby pictures of my kids and I sigh. I brought it up to the hubby. He bought me a puppy. I guess that�s as much of a baby as I�m going to get. Well, I did pout a little for her but he bought her for me. She is a dachshund/mini pinscher mix. She is tiny and adorable. Our newest family member is Misty. Scooter isn�t crazy about her but slowly warming up to the idea of this little rat-dog jumping all over him. I have a small Mudd backpack she rides in when I take him for walks.

So yesterday was a bad day for me. My board members make all the decisions regardless of me or my opinion. Calling me the Chairman of the board is a big freaking joke. Like I explained to G it�s like I don�t count with anyone outside of my family. My thoughts, ideas even my feelings don�t count. Not with the board members, with so-called friends, with my ex. I feel so angry because of it and it festers inside me. I feel like I�m walked on so much. I avoid speaking up because I don�t want to be �the bitch�. To all these people, when I do put out my thoughts, they pretty much go ignored. I�m tired of feeling this way and I�m tired of being so angry.

Speaking of harboring anger and resentment, my ex asked if he could take the kids for a year. My thoughts lead me to believe it has more to do with money and have child support switched into his favor more than anything else. He wrote to me about unconditional love and loyalty. I�m assuming he meant that�s what the kids should feel for him. I asked him if he can�t afford to send a dime now how he intended to support them for a year. No response. You can see where I might feel this is a money issue. I couldn�t separate them from their little sister for a year anyway. I asked him to come to Ca. (many times) to get to know the kids. He declined. You�d think if he really wanted to get to know these kids he�d put a little more effort in. I�ve done all I can and now feel emotionally drained. It seems it�s more important that they see him with �his family� (girlfriend and 2 kids) then anything else. Which don�t get me wrong; they have been with the whole pack every visit. They asked that they could have a day or two alone with their Dad without the rest of them but that was of course unheard of. I resent how little he has done, I resent how he has played with my emotions (it seems to be now one of total indifference to me), I resent how I have bent over backwards to accommodate them and I resent how I�m supposed to do so much but then I should just FOD. I know I need to get over this. I have been harboring a lot for about 10 years now and I just want to let it all go. It hurts so much to know that someone you have done so much for so long has no regard for you. �And I can�t cry anymore�. I intend to speak to the therapist about this. It�s so long overdue.

I think part of me feels as though letting go will mean letting go of all of them. And they were my family for so long. I loved them so much. I have so many memories. I don�t want to drop my family because one woman has serious insecurities. It may just have to be done if I�m ever to make peace with myself. Again this makes me angry. It�s not fair that some people refuse to find a middle ground. OK I think I�m done rambling now, but then what is this place if not for a release of emotions? One thing I am grateful as hell for is the fact then my husband knows how I feel and is there to pick me up every time I�m down. He has been a shoulder to cry on even if it is over another man. He has been my best friend through it all and I don�t know what I�d do without him.

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