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Stuck between a rock
2007-02-06 - 11:45 a.m.

Ever since we went to the shrink and he told me the kids were fine and I needed to stop projecting my own issues on them, I have tried to not speak of their father. In fact he hasn’t been mentioned since he ignored Kellys B-day and Christmas. I wanted to think that the kids were doing fine about it even though deep down I knew they weren’t. The other night was proof I wasn’t far off the mark.

Kelly was groaning because Glen told her to turn the music down while she was washing dishes. She complained that it was twice now that he made her do it on the same song. She was playing the Rent soundtrack and what particular song echoes much more loudly than the others. She griped that “he just hates musicals”. I made the mistake of saying, “Well, if you lived with you dad it would be ‘All Metal, All the time’”. She instantly snapped back at me.
“Well I wouldn’t know that would I? I don’t know anything about him!”

“Hey, it’s ok. Do you want to call him?”

“Why? So he can just make excuses and lie to me. Tell me he couldn’t call cuz of money or work or whatever. No.”

“Would you like me to talk to him?”

“No. He should be calling me.”

“Maybe if you tell him how you feel.”

“He won’t care.”

“Well, I’m here. If you need to let it out.”

“I’ll call him when I’m ready”

Tell me this doesn’t hurt this kid? And I don’t know what the hell to do anymore. Part of me wants to call him up and rip him a new one for hurting her. Plead to him to make contact with them and show him he does give a damn. Tell him he’s being stupid and making a huge mistake. But then, part of me says he’s a grown man and should be stepping up to the plate. I shouldn’t HAVE to tell him these things. I haven’t gone after him for child support in years. The least and I mean least he could do is write these kids a letter. They still carry his name and his blood. Maybe they are better off without him but I know that it hurts like hell when you’re totally rejected by your own father. When you feel like you aren’t worth even a singular effort.

Last night I dreamt about him. We were in High School and he was seen kissing another girl. My friends all came up to tell me. When I found him he was with her and she was pretty small. He lifted her in his arms and carried her off. I followed him home. When he saw me he looked at me and said, “I can see you’re still jealous.”
“No, I’m not. I just think you should be carrying your daughter like that instead”
And I turned my head so I wouldn’t have to look him in the eye anymore. Then I awoke. I hate having him show up in my dreams. I hid away all the old photos of him with the kids. I haven’t spoken to him since July-Aug. I’m doing everything I can to erase him from me and he still finds a way to invade me.

When I spoke with her awhile back she said she resented me because I wasn’t over him. I admitted to her that I had (note the word had) loved him for a long time it was true. And I wasn’t over something. It was the boy he was. The one I knew 20 years ago. The one who was wild and reckless but ever protective of me, The one who kept me on a pedestal and called me princess, The one who was dangerous but still had a boyish side and a big heart. But that boy is gone. I think at this point he died somewhere along the way. He hasn’t existed for at least 5 years I think. All I see now is a troubled, selfish man who doesn’t know what he wants and has no problems hurting those who love him to try to find it. In that sense, I feel for her. She’s living with it. I couldn’t.

Although I have been friends with him all these years it was not just because of the kids. He was my first love and my best friend for a long time. I took a lot of crap to maintain that between us. I thought he cared as well. I ended that friendship this summer. When he lied to me and about me and called me names, my heart finally shut off. I may not have many friends but even I know a friend isn’t someone who does that to you. Not like that. Not with no real purpose other than to hurt. I’d rather not, thank you.

The thing is, summer is coming around soon and by law, I’m required to take the kids to see him. I don’t know what to do. I’m thinking maybe he doesn’t want his visitation anymore but reluctant to call. It would pain me to hear it although not half as much as it would the kids. What do I do? When I spoke to his mother at Christmas she was openly weeping on the phone. She started crying the minute she talked to the kids and continued with me. I felt so bad. I wanted to cheer her up and she cried. She cried for the kids and she cried for her sons behavior. I let her know that none of this was her fault and she shouldn’t feel guilt or grief. I know she still wants to see her grandchildren. I have no problem with that. It’s just…him.

I know I get occasional hits to here from OK/TX so if you are family and lurking here, tell me. What the hell do I do?

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