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Breathe in, Breathe out
2006-09-06 - 9:03 a.m.

Out with the old and in with the new or is it out with the bad in with the good (my personal breathing technique). Sorry about the last post but I really just had to get it out of me and once I did, I felt so much better (about that anyway). I am back at work again but in a different area. I am now the Facilities Maintenance Assistant. I have my own private cubicle with a window view. Not a great view but at least I have my privacy AND a window. What more could one want from an office job? Although Iím supposing Iíll be out on call more than anything. My boss is a cool guy. He looks like the guy that used to be on Desperate Housewives. The one who was with Terry Hatcher. But heís nice. Heíll figure out sooner or later that Iím a bit nuts but hopefully take it in stride. Itís only my second day so I donít have anything to do yet but sit here. At least Iím out of the house.

Speaking of that, itís been tough. I keep waiting for my Anastasia to be there when I get home. To smile and ask how my day was. To make a meatloaf. To play games with Emily when I canít be there. She was a good strong woman and I plan to dedicate a page to her but Iím still in a state of where is she? Like itís just not real yet. Good strong people that try hard and have kids and had to struggle shouldnít have to go like that. I have a new housekeeper but she is young and new and itís just not the same. She tries but I havenít had the time to train her like I did with Anastasia and I donít see us bonding the same. Sheís nice and all but I dunno. I donít get close to people much to avoid pain. Iíll have to start working only part time so that I can get the home front situated. I needed routine but now I canít help but feel I jumped in to too much too fast. One minute Iím fine, the next Iím so overwhelmed that I feel like Iím going crazy. Iíve got kids to be there for so Iím pushing to get my Sh*t together. Itís just not happening fast enough.

I dunno. I had a dream last night that it was summer and my ex was marrying her. She was so smug and I just felt like it was a big joke. I wasnít angry that they were getting married but that he was still blowing off the kids. I told him Iíd wished Iíd never met him and in that moment I meant it with every part of me and he knew it He cried and I woke up.

I guess part of me is still stinging from the burn luckily I have lots of Neosporin handy. Wouldnít surprise me though if I wasnít off the mark..

Anyway, Iíd like to say there are more positives but as of yet Iím still working on it. At least the kids are back in school and adjusting quickly. Makes me wish I was a kid again and had that ability, that resilience to things that I seem to have lost half of somewhere along the way.

Itís funny how Iím perceived here. Like this fun-loving outgoing nut. OK Iím not saying Iím NOT normally but that thatís all they see and thatís all Iím letting them. Keeping them at arms length. I feel like if people knew me, I mean REALLY knew me theyíd pity me in some way. I donít want that. I like to think for every rotten thing, I have somehow pulled through and here I am. Still standing. OK donít know where THAT came from because I barely even had half a cup of coffee. I guess Iíll just let it go at that. Until next time, be good to yourself.

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