Out with the old and in with the new or is it out with the bad in with the good (my personal breathing technique). Sorry about the last post but I really just had to get it out of me and once I did, I felt so much better (about that anyway). I am back at work again but in a different area. I am now the Facilities Maintenance Assistant. I have my own private cubicle with a window view. Not a great view but at least I have my privacy AND a window. What more could one want from an office job? Although I�m supposing I�ll be out on call more than anything. My boss is a cool guy. He looks like the guy that used to be on Desperate Housewives. The one who was with Terry Hatcher. But he�s nice. He�ll figure out sooner or later that I�m a bit nuts but hopefully take it in stride. It�s only my second day so I don�t have anything to do yet but sit here. At least I�m out of the house.

Speaking of that, it�s been tough. I keep waiting for my Anastasia to be there when I get home. To smile and ask how my day was. To make a meatloaf. To play games with Emily when I can�t be there. She was a good strong woman and I plan to dedicate a page to her but I�m still in a state of where is she? Like it�s just not real yet. Good strong people that try hard and have kids and had to struggle shouldn�t have to go like that. I have a new housekeeper but she is young and new and it�s just not the same. She tries but I haven�t had the time to train her like I did with Anastasia and I don�t see us bonding the same. She�s nice and all but I dunno. I don�t get close to people much to avoid pain. I�ll have to start working only part time so that I can get the home front situated. I needed routine but now I can�t help but feel I jumped in to too much too fast. One minute I�m fine, the next I�m so overwhelmed that I feel like I�m going crazy. I�ve got kids to be there for so I�m pushing to get my Sh*t together. It�s just not happening fast enough.

I dunno. I had a dream last night that it was summer and my ex was marrying her. She was so smug and I just felt like it was a big joke. I wasn�t angry that they were getting married but that he was still blowing off the kids. I told him I�d wished I�d never met him and in that moment I meant it with every part of me and he knew it He cried and I woke up.

I guess part of me is still stinging from the burn luckily I have lots of Neosporin handy. Wouldn�t surprise me though if I wasn�t off the mark..

Anyway, I�d like to say there are more positives but as of yet I�m still working on it. At least the kids are back in school and adjusting quickly. Makes me wish I was a kid again and had that ability, that resilience to things that I seem to have lost half of somewhere along the way.

It�s funny how I�m perceived here. Like this fun-loving outgoing nut. OK I�m not saying I�m NOT normally but that that�s all they see and that�s all I�m letting them. Keeping them at arms length. I feel like if people knew me, I mean REALLY knew me they�d pity me in some way. I don�t want that. I like to think for every rotten thing, I have somehow pulled through and here I am. Still standing. OK don�t know where THAT came from because I barely even had half a cup of coffee. I guess I�ll just let it go at that. Until next time, be good to yourself.

0 comments so far

Previous - Next