Out with the old and in with the new or is it out with the bad in with the good (my personal breathing technique). Sorry about the last post but I really just had to get it out of me and once I did, I felt so much better (about that anyway). I am back at work again but in a different area. I am now the Facilities Maintenance Assistant. I have my own private cubicle with a window view. Not a great view but at least I have my privacy AND a window. What more could one want from an office job? Although I’m supposing I’ll be out on call more than anything. My boss is a cool guy. He looks like the guy that used to be on Desperate Housewives. The one who was with Terry Hatcher. But he’s nice. He’ll figure out sooner or later that I’m a bit nuts but hopefully take it in stride. It’s only my second day so I don’t have anything to do yet but sit here. At least I’m out of the house.

Speaking of that, it’s been tough. I keep waiting for my Anastasia to be there when I get home. To smile and ask how my day was. To make a meatloaf. To play games with Emily when I can’t be there. She was a good strong woman and I plan to dedicate a page to her but I’m still in a state of where is she? Like it’s just not real yet. Good strong people that try hard and have kids and had to struggle shouldn’t have to go like that. I have a new housekeeper but she is young and new and it’s just not the same. She tries but I haven’t had the time to train her like I did with Anastasia and I don’t see us bonding the same. She’s nice and all but I dunno. I don’t get close to people much to avoid pain. I’ll have to start working only part time so that I can get the home front situated. I needed routine but now I can’t help but feel I jumped in to too much too fast. One minute I’m fine, the next I’m so overwhelmed that I feel like I’m going crazy. I’ve got kids to be there for so I’m pushing to get my Sh*t together. It’s just not happening fast enough.

I dunno. I had a dream last night that it was summer and my ex was marrying her. She was so smug and I just felt like it was a big joke. I wasn’t angry that they were getting married but that he was still blowing off the kids. I told him I’d wished I’d never met him and in that moment I meant it with every part of me and he knew it He cried and I woke up.

I guess part of me is still stinging from the burn luckily I have lots of Neosporin handy. Wouldn’t surprise me though if I wasn’t off the mark..

Anyway, I’d like to say there are more positives but as of yet I’m still working on it. At least the kids are back in school and adjusting quickly. Makes me wish I was a kid again and had that ability, that resilience to things that I seem to have lost half of somewhere along the way.

It’s funny how I’m perceived here. Like this fun-loving outgoing nut. OK I’m not saying I’m NOT normally but that that’s all they see and that’s all I’m letting them. Keeping them at arms length. I feel like if people knew me, I mean REALLY knew me they’d pity me in some way. I don’t want that. I like to think for every rotten thing, I have somehow pulled through and here I am. Still standing. OK don’t know where THAT came from because I barely even had half a cup of coffee. I guess I’ll just let it go at that. Until next time, be good to yourself.

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