It�s been a few days. Today is the first day of school. I�m alone for the first time but glad to say I am gradually getting better. I give much kudos to my 2 older ones for stepping up to the plate and cooking dinner, cleaning the kitchen and giving mom space. I felt so guilty though. Like I should have been able to pull myself together and get with the program for them. I was just so overwhelmed by everything that I went numb. I stayed in bed for 3 days straight I think. I am doing better now though.

Thank you to those who have written and e-mailed. It meant a lot when I felt so freakin alone. One of the biggest things that I need to do now is rid my self of the toxic waste which is contaminating my heart and mind. One story at a time though. Today�s is the first and the worst. (For me anyway).

Remember how before I left for the states I mentioned my ex was thrown in jail by his girlfriend? Well, yea, he did get out a few days before we got there and promised the kids this time would be different. I was excited for them and extended the trip to 3 weeks instead of 2 so they could really bond. I have done my best for the past decade to be friends for the sake of the kids so it�s not like we don�t get along. With his ex not around, we get along swimmingly. Anyhow, the day before I left he spoke on the phone and said he was through with her and that she would not be coming around (I didn�t want drama for the kids� sake). So, we get there and everything is going well. The day I got there he gave me 2 letters that he�d written the week before. Granted they mostly spoke of a girl he was with prior to his arrest BUT, they repeatedly said he was done with his ex and a few other choice things about her as well as things like �So what�s up between me and you? Will it be like it�s always been? I probably shouldn�t be asking but I still wonder what if�so that I will know what to feel� �And you, I bet you look real good. I KNOW that you will look good� �I�m so glad you�ve decided to come and see me. I�ve missed you and the kids for so long� �its Sunday 11th. I�ll write more later. I�ve been thinking of you a lot, I�ve just been scared.� And the most important part �But I can honestly say that I�ve always loved you and you�ve been my best friend since we�ve met. I don�t know if I would�ve gotten this far without you in my life. You�ve always been there and I always haven�t. I�m sorry. But in my heart I always was. It�s just that every time you come and go it kills me. You have no idea how much it hurts me.�

The letters were sweet but I didn�t perceive them as too much at the time just because they�re like the 1st letters I gotten in years. The biggest emphasis was on the fact that it was completely over between him and her. For the first week we took the kids shopping, out to eat, to the park, bowling alley and talked about things we could do with them. He promised them a fishing trip, the movies, and that on the 4th all of us would go watch the fireworks. All fine and good. As far as him and me we were getting along very well which was good for the kids. I offered at times to drop them off places to have alone time with them but he said he wanted me to come too and I did. There were 1 or 2 incidences that I won�t go over because it�s just too personal. No sex was involved I assure you though. It wasn�t about that. So it was a good week. But then�

Friday night the older 2 were going to the bowling alley and I was supposed to meet him at his house to take Em to kiddy land to ride the train and merry-go-round. When I got to his house he was gone. We waited for hours, the parked closed, I picked the kids up from the bowling alley and went back to the hotel. I tried his cell phone but he turned it off. The same one he kept on all week for when SHE called. He kept saying the only reason he was talking to her was because she was threatening to sign his son over to her mother and he�d have no contact so he had to �finish� things. I, like an idiot fell for it and felt sorry for what he was going through. OK so his phone is turned off and I leave messages. I said I didn�t know what was going on with him or me or what but please call the kids and let them know. He didn�t. 3 days later he had a court date I knew about so I went and waited and there he was. I was madder than hell. By then I had figured out he had holed up in a hotel somewhere with her but to dog the kids like that? They hadn�t seen him in 2 years. I asked why he turned off the phone. He said he just didn�t want to talk to me. Go figure. I told him to not pull that on the kids again because it was a sorry thing to do. That night he went back to the hotel again. I think it was the next day he showed up with her in the yard. She was in a wheelchair so I didn�t expect much. I smiled, waved and walked away thinking �you son of a $T$^%$%� He was looking for the keys to her vehicle and couldn�t find them. He cussed the kids under his breath blaming them for the disappearance. Finally, he drove her back to Texas. When the keys showed up where he dropped them he didn�t even offer up an apology.

From that point on things just went from bad to worse. He had no minutes on his phone and spent all his paycheck on the hotel for her. Since she needed to call 5 to 7 times a day he chose to stay home by the phone. He no longer wanted to do anything with the kids unless it was watch cartoons. Every time she called he went off to be alone and spent a good 30 min. on the phone. He talked to his son with her quite a bit too. Of course this made my kids feel like total shit, like they didn�t count but you know, they just have to understand he has a bond with that son that he doesn�t have with them.

The final straw came when he was trying to sell his truck. Did I mention he had a fairly new fully paid for, shiny white truck? Oh cuz he�s been too broke to send me child support for years now. So he�s outside trying to sell the truck (to use the money to get her a place in Lawton he said so he�d be closer to his son) she called and I answered. I said he�s busy at the moment and she asked what he was doing. I said he was outside talking to someone about selling the truck. �ok well have him call when he�s done�. He walked in and I swear it hadn�t been 10 minutes if not less, since she called when she called again and asked if he�d gotten the message. He hadn�t yet but what the hell. It was only her 5th time calling that day anyway. Suddenly he was on the phone saying �Next time tell that fucking bitch to give me the phone� My jaw dropped. Then he started talking trash about me. Where it came from I have no idea. I started yelling what about the letters? What about the kids. I made a snide remark that was along the lines of �it�s not like their yours G�s the one who�s been raising them and taking care of them� Right after I said that Kelly walked out the door and he said right in front of her �Since they�re not my fucking kids, what the fuck are you doing here?� Kelly ran down the street crying. I kicked him in the shin as hard as I could. Hurting me is one thing but to blatantly hurt a child is quite another. I told him to get off the phone and talk to his daughter. I tried to grab it away. Finally he got off the phone and walked down the street to her. I heard her yelling and crying and letting out years of what�s been bottled up inside. She told him she didn�t even know him and that�s all she wanted to do. That he cared more about HER and their kid then them. She told him of broken promises and lies he told and how hurt she felt. Part of me wanted to run over there and grab her up hold her and take her away from the pain. But I knew she had to say what she had to say. What saddened me is that I knew it wasn�t going to change one little thing and it didn�t. After that she was too exhausted and hurt to care.

As for Dylan, all he talked about for months was getting to know his Dad. They were gonna fish and hunt and talk and all that good stuff. I mean, the boy is 12. The first week Dylan asked him if he planned to get back with her and he said no way ever. He actually told anybody and everybody who would listen the same story. Well, after the first week, Dylan spent more time with his uncles then anyone else. When he found out about HER he lost respect for his Dad because well, he lied. A lot. Even made the comment that He could do more with his other son then Dylan. Nice huh. Nothing like sticking it to a l2 year old where it hurts eh? Didn�t do anything with him to even attempt a bond.

And for the grand finale oh wait, I forgot to mention that I brought them there for Fathers Day so it�d be the first he�d had in like 8 years with them. It was a gift. He remained depressed all day because he wasn�t with his other son. OK on with the story Oh yea, wait again

The second week I was there she called me at the hotel I was staying at and asked me if what I had said before was true. I said yes, I have no reason to lie. He wrote the letters and he told me you two were absolutely through. She said ok pretty much but that was that.

OK, so I planned for the trip to be 4th of July there so he could have a holiday with the kids. The whole time I was there it was planned that we�d take the kids and his mom to the country club to see the fireworks. He doesn�t have a drivers license, hence the reason I was driving.Well the day before he started acting funny. Not much different since he started pretty much being hateful to me after the first week. But weird. Then the morning of the 4th I ASKED WHAT HE WAS GONNA DO. He said he didn�t know. I went to my sisters and asked if things don�t pan out can me and Em go with them to Marlow. Sure thing. I went back to his house that afternoon and said, so what�s the plan? He said he wasn�t leaving the house. I said why? What about the kids? You promised. He said SHE didn�t want us doing anything as a family and he didn�t want to hurt her. So you�d rather hurt your kids? Well they just have to understand. SHE was another state away what gives? It�s fireworks with 3 kids and their dad and gramma for cruds sake. But he said I don�t want to hurt you but I don�t want to hurt her. I said forget about me. It�s the kids don�t do this to them. They have to understand. So I told Kel and she said screw it then, I�ll go to Marlow with you guys. I told him if you can�t go with me have your brother take you and the kids it�s the LEAST you could do after breaking every other promise AND lying to them. He sat for another 30 minutes. Then said he�d have his brother take them. Kel at this point was like no that�s ok, I�d rather be with you mom. Dylan still wanted one last ditch at time with Dad before we left in 2 days. I told him, Kel�s going with me but Dylan still wants to be with you. He said no never mind take him with you. I said but he wants to go with you. He said take him with you. I said, you sure? And he said yes. So we go with my sister and her family and enjoyed the show. When we got back to the hotel there was a message on my machine from her saying I was a manipulative bitch trying to make him go to Marlow with me and in a snide voice �how�d that work for ya� on top of He hates me, he thinks I�m stupid and ignorant, hates the way I look my fat ass, my fucking Tourrettes and my stupid giggle. And if she could she�d spit in my face oh and that my kids were fucked up for not choosing to spend time with their dad.

Well, at first I was pissed. But the more I played the message the more comedic it sounded. I had to tell my parents and the fucking Tourrettes and stupid giggle. So every time I had a seizure we all chimed in Stupid Tourrettes. I don�t know what he told her but so many people know the truth but won�t get involved because it�s family.

OK so the day before I leave I was looking for something on the fridge when a foil pan full of bills and what not fell on the floor. As I picked them up a yellow letter with R+A caught my eye. I thought it was a letter he forgot to give to me. It wasn�t. It was to the girl he was with prior to his arrest. Her name starts with an A too. Some of the things he wrote to her were pretty much what he wrote to me, except there was sex talk in this one. When I confronted him and asked how he could write the same things to 2 different women at the same time he just shrugged and said he just could. I gave him the letters he wrote me back. I made copies first. I just didn�t want to hold the original bull shit.

So the next day we leave. As we�re getting in the car he hugs the kids, kisses them and promises he�ll call in a day or 2 to check on them. I�d like to say the end but alas, no. Of course he didn�t call them. Their feelings were of little consequence to him. And it only cost me roughly 3,000 for all the fun.

He got back with her right away (of course) even though there is a restraining order that doesn�t get dismissed until OCT. I made 2 calls to him during the month we were in CA asking why he wasn�t talking to his kids. Wannna know why?? Because I turned them against him. Funny since he hasn�t even spoke to them, how would he know? But it�s all me. All my fault. I came there with the sole purpose of wrecking his family with her because I�m evil like that. Before I end this and so sorry it�s so long for those of you still reading but I�m gonna let you know just how evil I am.

1. Since the time I left 11 years ago I have always called, sent videos (in the early days) school pictures had the kids write, wished him a Happy Birthday blah blah blah.
2. I have taken the kids back to his state 6 times I believe and paid for it out of pocket in the 1,000s and no I�m not rich. I current have bank loans I owe up the ass.
3. I covered for his ass whenever he broke promises to the kids.
4. when he came to CA to take me to court to get summer custody of the kids (after 6 years and no child support) he brought HER with him and plopped her right on my parents couch.
5. In return we gave them free tickets to Sea World, the space museum and I think the zoo. Even invited them both over for Kel�s b-day bbq.
6. When his brother died, I borrowed money, raced to get a plane ticket that day and flew out for support and because I truly care. I lost my job, was kicked off the softball league and flunked my summer college class for it.
7. When he was due to get his 2nd or 3rd settlement and owed me 11,000 in arrears he begged me to sign it away so they could keep the money. Like a total idiot I did. I just thought maybe they wanted to do for their kids what I was doing for mine. That was Kellys and Dylans braces money. After years of non support he begged me to lower the payments to 250 a month (that was for both kids) I complied. And I�m sure by now you know he�s never paid that either.
8. Every time he has ever called when he was upset I was there, listening and consoling and never once did he for me.

There so much more but the point is, in my opinion I�ve gone above and beyond for someone I once loved deeply and cared about. After 2 decades, I�m done. Hurt me fine. Hurt my kids and good-bye. The hardest pill to swallow is that I tried so hard because I cared. I thought I was doing the right thing. I wanted to believe he cared too. And it�s hard because for the first time in 2 decades I really want nothing to do with him. If he severed a leg I wouldn�t even mutter stumpy. Bad joke but you know what I mean. I hate that I hate him. I hate what he�s done. I hate that I can�t just feel anything at all when it comes to him, not saying I want to feel love. I just want to feel nothing. I want him to not exist in my mind and my life anymore. There�s more that I will need to write but later. Therapy in baby steps.

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