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The freaks come out at night
2005-03-31 - 10:38 p.m.

I had another nightmare last night and I woke up terrified. Of course it was in the 3 am time zone and I was afraid to even get up to use the bathroom. In the dream I was laying/lying? in bed and some sort of unseen force was hovering over me about to cover me and Iíd suffocate. Itís like a ghost or energy mass or something. It has no face so itís hard to explain. But I was afraid and the fear lasted for a good 30 minutes. I know that this has a lot to do with my fears about moving to Africa. Fears of the unknown I suppose. The thing is I canít sleep and I canít stand the fear so today I gave in and went to see the psychiatrist at the Embassy. I have avoided that for two years now. He thought I was just coming in with sleep problems. Little did he know what surface he was about to scratch. He asked me to give him my history so he could understand me. In the 30 minutes I spoke (and believe me he only got the teeniest tiniest tip of the iceberg) I could see him drooling like Pavlovís dog. I am a shrinkís wet dream. I am a hundred stereotypes and a walking clichť. I am all the things in the textbooks that shrinks read and only hope to have patients as described. He couldnít wait to tell me to come back each week for more sessions until I leave.

A couple of things bother me though. First of all, he put me back on Clonopin. I worked so hard last year to get off the Zoloft. I wanted so badly to believe I could function normally without any type of pills. My anxiety levels are so high right now my chest physically hurts and I spend so many days wanting to either cry or pummel someone. I havenít taken Clonopin in years and that has only been for the tourettes. The other thing on my mind is wondering what to say and what not to. With us being in the state dept. I donít want to say anything that could potentially jeopardize our medical clearance but I want to get some help. Or at least talk about the things that have been festering inside for so long. I donít know where the safety line is. Also, although I want to try understanding some of my irrational fears (like 3:33 am) I donít want to appear to be some sort of nut. I know I kind of am a little loony at times but, arenít we all to some extent? And just who decides the standards of sanity anyway? I used to think I knew it all but then I realized that true knowledge is the realization that we donít know even a smidgen of what there is out there in the big wide world. I just hope Iím doing the right thing now.

On a side note, the good doctor will be out of town for 2 weeks and gave me his personal cell phone if I needed him. Iím not in danger or even suicidal. Just really really REALLY tense. I thought just for giggles Iíd call him at 3 am and tell him Iím awake. NO, I wouldnít really mess with him like that. Itís just that after the 6 to 8 shrinks Iíve seen over the years, this is the first one to give me a number.

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