We interrupt this program to bring you this message
2005-01-28 - 10:32 a.m.
Iím taking a break from the story that I need to tell for the time being. Itís very emotionally draining to write and feel and think about. Iím having other troubles now and it could be a number of things or nothing at all. I think I need some sort of assurance that I am somewhat normal though.
After last weekís night terror, I havenít been sleeping as well. Last night I woke up and had to go to the bathroom. When I passed by the dresser I noticed the time. It was exactly 3 a.m. For some reason the number 3 makes me feel uneasy, particularly when itís 33 or 333. I used to have insomnia and wake up every night at exactly 3:33. Anyway, I looked at the clock and I was immediately frightened. It was like that fear when I was 8. I was afraid of the dark and the unseen forces that always seem to be lurking in it. I hurried to the bathroom (itís connected to my bedroom) and had to turn on the light. I never turn on the light but the fear was suddenly overwhelming. I had to peek in the room and take a quick look-see to make sure there were no demons or ghosts. You know how when your little the scary thing is always under the bed so you run and jump on the bed to make sure it doesnít grab your ankle and yank you down? Well that was me all over again last night. Then I lie there awake and afraid.
The thing that bothers me is that I donít know where this is coming from or why itís bothering me now. Iím too afraid to get up at night and be alone. Iíve been living in this house for 2 years now. Iíve never had this fear before. I feel like an idiot. Iím an adult who is suddenly terrified of the night and the dark. How do I tell me 10 year old son that there is nothing to fear when I myself am suddenly not convinced? Why is this happening to me and how do I make it stop?
And on a side note, about the story I am writing, this you may have guessed is my own. It was a long, long time ago. I get along with that person very well now, at least when we speak on the phone. I donít harbor any anger over that time. I am just saddened by the fact that things had to end and in the way that they did. A lot of the problem had to do with substance abuse and how much it can really alter a person. Sometimes I feel a little guilt that I didnít stick it out and try to make it better. If I thought I could have who knows. Maybe. One thing I feel is that if two people are sinking together then they both drown, no matter how desperately they try to grab onto the other. Iíd like to say that I donít harbor any resentment after all these years but to be honest maybe I do just a little. I resent that I couldnít make it better or make it work. I resent that he couldnít try harder and his priorities went to hell at that time. I resent that I feel guilt for the person he became for a long time after. I resent that my kids didnít have the relationship with him that Iíd hoped for when they were conceived.
He loved me and I know that a lot of his actions then (although very harsh) were done because he didnít want to lose us and he was angry. But itís over now. Itís a long time past. He has another life and family. I donít wish him any more pain or misery and hope that he too, has or will find happiness the way I have now. I just felt like that should be said before I continue.
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