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Bread on the stereo
2005-01-14 - 12:32 p.m.

I just had the strangest experience. It was just an odd moment in time but it hit me so freaking hard that I had to walk away and write it down. Nothing major experience wise I suppose but intense for me. It started with my workout this morning. I was sweating along to some Bee Gees and various disco. When I was done with that, I got the urge to put in an old tape I have of various songs from 1977, 78, and 79. I was singing my heart out to Hot Child in the City (was my ďthemeĒ song when I was 6-7 years old. I was standing by my window and I closed my eyes.

Everything was an orange glow and the memories started coming back. But like for an instant I was back in time sitting in my room watching the sunset over the California highway. I used to listen to my K-Tel records of various artists back then. Then Baby Come Back by Bread started to play. It was like that couple of years were just flashing before my closed eyes. They were so close and so strong it was like I was really there. I could see my mom behind the counter of the liquor store she worked at, I could see us kids splashing in the pool of the apartment complex. I could see the guy with the mustache that worked behind the counter. The moment the older girl popped me one and stole my money. My four best friends (who were all boys) Alan, Tracy, Lance, Tiger and I all playing with Star War figures and fighting over who got to be Darth Vader or C3PO. The moment Tracy and I were looking at the dirty magazines we found with some guy name John Holmes who looked deformed. I was skipping hop scotch and running barefoot through the parking lot. These images were just flooding my head didnít want to stop.

As I stood there a tear slipped down my cheek and then another and another. Before I knew it was sobbing that hard way you do where your whole face seems to grimace and it feels painful. The tears kept coming and were starting to burn my cheeks and my eyes. I knew if I opened my eyes it would all stop and Ií be back in reality but thatís just the thing. In that moment I didnít want reality. I wanted to be 7 years old in 1978. I wanted my room and my music and my friends. I wanted that feeling I had every time I watched the orange and golden hues disappear along the highway. My imaginary hand was reaching out trying to pull of me back to it and I wept. I didnít want be 33 year old Alana. I didnít want to be struggling with my weight or thinking about spaghetti and salad for dinner. I didnít want to be mom or wife or neighbor. I just wanted to be there in 78.

Then I opened my eyes and I watched it all disappear. I looked at my living room and my dog lying by the fireplace. I was back in the now and I cried still. I wondered why I had felt that so strongly in that moment. Iím not particularly unhappy. I have issues but nothing major. I have a good life, a nice home, good kids and a wonderful husband who loves me. For a moment though it just all seemed so overwhelming for me and my mind stepped back. Itís strange how that happened. Stranger yet how it all started with an old song on the stereo.

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