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So happy to be home
2004-08-16 - 9:21 a.m.

Back in Black, I hit the sack, I betcha know I’m glad to be back, Well I let loose, from the noose that’s kept me hangin’ about….

Yes, folks I am back from my 2-week stint in wonderful Duncan, Okla. It was bittersweet to say it best I suppose. There is so much to say and yet I am not sure if I can say what I want to adequately enough but I’ll do my best. There are several topics on this trip that I would like to address so bare with me, Ok?

On the actual flights:

Do you know how much it truly sucks when it takes 24 hours to hit your final destination when you simply can’t sleep on a plane? Or how freaked out you can get when you are stuck in a metal tube in the air for a 9 hour stretch? How about 4 hour lay overs in airports with several 40-pound carry-on bags and 2 miserably tired, cranky kids? Yea, it was a real treat. Both on the way there and back I was exhausted and disoriented beyond belief for about 2 days after the fact. Good thing we only do this once a year. On one flight, they ran out of chicken for dinner so we were offered what the first class people were having. It was duck. Duck in a weird sauce with a slice of Brie on the side. We ate it but the kids and I certainly weren’t digging the duck. We did get to watch Starsky and Hutch, Shrek 2, and Garfield the Movie during our flight. I did not drink any booze either, although, it might have helped.

On Men in Bars:

While I was staying at the ever-pleasant H*liday Inn where the ashtrays are clean and the towels are oh-so fluffy, I visited the nightclub for my share of complimentary cocktails. My sister came from Calif. To stay with me for a week so we were trying to stay entertained as best we could. During this week, there were many men from other states staying there as well. Since I have gained so much weight, I have often felt insecure with myself and wondered what it would feel like to get the attention of many men. You know the saying “Be careful what you wish for”? Well that definitely applies here. 10-12 different men must have hit on me during the course of my stay. I would think I’d have been flattered. Instead I ended up feeling dirty and annoyed. I suppose it wouldn’t have been so bad except for some of the lines these morons used. Men, if you are trying to impress a woman lines like “If you stay the night, I’ll make you breakfast on my hot plate”, “I see you’re good with a pool stick, wanna play with my stick?”, “You aint had nothing till you’ve had coonass”, and “I may not be much to look at, but I have had a stripper” will not, I repeat not, get you anywhere. Oh and Mullets are waaaay over with. I had men calling my room at all hours “What’re you doing? Wanna drink some beers?” I had them coming to my room. I had to hide my car around the corner and keep the lights out just to be left alone. Yes, I do like male attention, but not that kind. A bunch of idiots. I’d tell them I was married and they’d say, “I’m married too!” Like that made it all OK. What a disappointment it was.

On My Ex:

I was expecting the worst out of this trip and I wasn’t disappointed. It was sad in it’s own way but time has a way of changing people and not always for the better. The kids didn’t get the quality time they had hoped for and they simply weren’t crazy about his girlfriend at all. They saw their father in a new light that I had hoped would be avoided until they were much older. I don’t want to go into much detail about him or his life because it’s kind of sad and really, his own business. I met up with men who once upon a time looked up to and admired him and now think he is kind of pathetic. It saddens me to see what he has become because I know that at one time in his life he had so much potential and it seems he has let it all go to waste. I think now most of my deepest feelings have been laid to rest. It has taken me a long time to get over all the hurt, pain, love and anger I have harbored. But I know that what I have felt was for the person he was all those years ago and not for the person he is. I no longer know the person he is. I’m letting go and it feels like a tremendous weight is lifting. I just really feel bad for the kids because they don’t know this man either. He didn’t even know how old his daughter was. But on a good note, the kids are now better able to appreciate what they have here with Glen and I.

On The Trip As A Whole:

All in all for me it wasn’t so bad. I got to see my sisters and other family members and spend time with them. I got to eat at Taco Bell (but I threw up both times) I got to do some shopping. I spent a lot of time with my ex-mother-in-law. She is a wonderful woman with a good heart and I love her to pieces. I enjoyed all my time with her. I wish we could have done more but it was nice just hearing her laugh. I watched fireflies light up the night and caught sight of a passing armadillo. I listened to a big thunderstorm from my room. I swam in a pool. Two men selling tomatoes with a big sign that simply said, “Home Grown”, humored me. I was slowly letting go of the past and surprised that the pain was very minimal. I listened to my Billy Squire cd. It just seemed to work there. I won’t be making the trip back next year. It’s time to take a break. I’m not sad for that either. I feel like I’ve done all I could do for so long and now it’s time for a break. I am glad to be home now and have a newfound happiness with the life I have. I have always known I was doing better but the reality of it is so much stronger after making this trip. I have no regrets.

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