Friends, How many of us have them? Friends, ones we can depend on.
2004-05-05 - 11:23 a.m.
One of the things about me that I truly wish I could change is the fact that I hang on to things for too long. I mean that in an emotional sense and not a physical sense, although I am a bit of a pack rat. When relationships turn sour I tend to hold on to that for a long time and mull over it. I donít know how to let it go. I feel like I have to understand what got it to that point before it can diminish. The problem is, sometimes the why of it all never surfaces. Then I am stuck with these feelings and images that repeat themselves over and over in my mind till I feel like I am stuck down in the muck.
The whole thing with the ďfriendĒ of mine really hit me harder than I care to admit. It makes me feel like maybe I am on the pathetic and needy side just a little. But the thing is, she was the first person outside of my family that I connected to in a very long time. I know my social skills are a little on the rough side and I know I tend to say whatever is on my mind. I am very open about myself and who I am. Maybe that is maybe a little too much. But I donít understand. It wasnít like I was popping my head up from the bushes every time I heard a noise from her home. She came to my house everyday after work for tea or just to talk. We made and shared desserts. She dyed my hair for me (even though it turned green) she helped my kid with things he needed for Boy Scouts. When I stopped taking Zoloft and was all alone and having breakdown after breakdown, she was there. She was the best friend I had had and so long and I welcomed it whole-heartedly. We shopped and joked and shared movies and everything that good friends do.
Then she just stopped coming. I chalked it up to her being busy. She had a dinner party at her home one weekend (we live in a conjoined house and share the same backyard) and let me know that it was for their ďwork friendsĒ. I was OK with it I suppose. But it turned out to be a huge party with all their friends minus me. I was hurt to say the least. I kept wondering what I did wrong? But I tried to let it go. There were other times that she preferred her work friends to me in public but I never felt she was solely a friend to me or anything quite so Jr. Hi-ish so I wasnít really bothered.
I hadnít seen her for a good 2 weeks after her big party and I was feeling like maybe she was avoiding me? I struggled with it daily since we live so close. How did we go from best buddies to this? Certain that maybe I offended her at some point without knowing it, when I finally saw her I asked if she was angry at me. She said no, not at all and walked back into her house.
The next day she came over and we sat outside and talked. I told her I was hurt about the party incident but that I didnít understand what was wrong between us. I was under the impression we were a little closer than that. She used to always tell me I was too soft and should speak up when people upset me. So imagine how I felt when I quietly admitted I was hurt that she dismissed me as being a little immature and that she didnít need to apologize for having a party. I never asked for an apology. I just wanted to know why my friend who wanted to hang out with me every day for so long suddenly wanted nothing to do with me. She blamed it on my husband that they simply didnít like him and didnít want to be around him. Her husband had been rude to mine many a times but I never really spoke on that because I really wanted a friendship with her. And she was rarely around my husband anyway. She came over and went home long before he ever came home from work.
She was using reasons for her dislike toward him that seemed silly to me. She said he was a jerk because her daughter waved at him once when he was driving and he turned his head and didnít wave back. He has a lazy eye and doesnít ever pay attention when driving (doesnít see or wave at our own kids). He didnít say hi to her at work when she was with a gaggle of friends and handed their puppy over to them when she ran in our yard. To me these are the dumbest reasons to dislike someone and end a yearlong friendship. Maybe Iím just missing something. She even made a comment to me that was a throw back on something I said to her in confidence that I never dreamed she would throw back at me. I didnít say a word when she did either. I just wanted things to be OK again.
Her pup has been coming in my yard a lot. We share a yard so itís not huge but because we share a yard I take my dog on the balcony to make on newspaper and sit with him so heís in the yard. Her cleaning lady lets her pup out to run amuck on occasion and sometimes the kids let the pup out and no one watches her. I have watched her poo in my yard at least 3 times (watched with my own eyes, once on my welcome mat) and cleaned it up. We have been having dinner and on at least 3 occasions her pup is at the glass door of the dining room scratching and barking at my pup who in turns barks like crazy back making eating a little more unpleasant. Her pup has actually run INTO my house on 3 separate occasions. I have never said a word to her about any of it so that we can keep the piece. Although my kids are aware and have heard me gripe once or twice. Yesterday, my son made the comment to her daughter that their dog poos in our yard and she came out and told him that No, she doesnít and did maybe once but he couldnít have known and that he was probably making it upĒ I guess she said it in a mean tone because my son was taken aback.
This is a person that calls my husband a jerk because he didnít wave at her daughter than calls my kid a little liar? I know all this stuff is so petty and I just need to move on. I have been making new friends since all of this and doing fine in that dept. But the big question that I canít seem to squash is why? Why did this take this turn? Why does it feel like we are now on enemy lines? What did we do that was so heinous to cause such a disliking? I know, let it go and move on. But the thing is, I really liked her. She really did a lot for me as well and I really miss the friendship that I perceived to have had. We still have another year of living next to each other and I am going to miss all the potential fun we could have. I will miss our ďtea partiesĒ. I will miss having the confidant that I had in her. By writing all this down, I am hoping that I will let go of all the unhappy feelings that are lingering about in me. I just wonder, am I really socially immature? Do I just not get it? Someone told me it takes years to have a good friend. Well you have to start somewhere. Am I expecting too much? I feel so silly now. Like this isnít worth the hang-ups that I have. Someone, tell me, am I normal?
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