2004-04-04 - 8:26 p.m.
How are you supposed to make friends when everyone seems to be so shallow? How are people supposed to get to know you if you canít reveal too much about yourself? How can anything really be meaningful if you arenít supposed to let anyone beyond the surface? I feel like I may have just signed up for a life of pretending to be someone Iím not. I would rather have one good friend than 10 social acquaintances. I want my friend to know who I truly am and to like me for being me. Is there something wrong with that? Is that an immature way to look at things? What am I missing? When I care about someone, I am there for him or her anytime they need me. I like to do things for them like buy a sweater that is their size because it was on clearance. Or bake cookies and share them, or let them be my confidant and I be theirs. Does that make me weird, or needy or uncool? I havenít had a real good friend since High School and it looks like I still donít. I thought someone here was a good friend but as time goes on it seems Iím the dorky friend you hang out with in private when no one is looking. Someone you want to talk to but not someone you want to go out with to have fun. Not someone youíd want your other friends to know you hang out with. Man, I want to say just piss off. I donít need your pity but I am angry and still licking my wounds. I am angry for putting myself out there, Angry for revealing secrets about myself. Angry for thinking this was someone I could trust and who liked me. She dropped a lot of hints along the way, and I am kicking myself for not catching them sooner. I shouldíve known. I guess my forwardness was probably perceived as desperation. It wasnít, I just thought she was different. She said she hated how judgmental everyone was around here. But I feel I was judged and the verdict seems to be Iím not worthy. I will never tell her how badly she has made me feel or how angry and hurt I am. Thatís something you can safely do with a friend and I guess Iím just not there. One thing I learned from here though, I guess, is that cliques really suck. That is, till you find one of your own.
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