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Naked and Ashamed
2004-03-01 - 12:14 p.m.

I hate to admit it but I must finally come to grips with the fact that I have a drinking problem. Not in the form where I drink daily or even weekly. Sometimes I don't drink for months. I have a whole cupboard full of various liquors that I don't even touch. No, I am one of those people who can't seem to handle social drinking. I rarely go out where there is any drinking involved, but when I do, forget it. I am the one coming home at 3 in the morning beligerent and wretching my guts up. This was the case Friday night.

We went to a farewell party at the MArinehouse. We haven't been there since the Halloween party. We haven't been anywhere really so I just wanted to get out. Except I get extrememly nervous around people. It's a serious anxiety and I don't even know why. These people would never know how I felt by the way I come across. I'm the girl who walks in with a smile for everyone, a compliment, a joke. Everyone tells me how at ease they are with me. How they can tell me anything. How outgoing I am. And yet, on the inside, I am physically shaking. I can feel my voice waver and wonder if anybody noticed. My stomach is in knots and I think I'm going to hurl on their lap or run screaming. I have been like this forever. I don't know why I get so physically shaken but I do. So I drink in order to relax and stop the shaking and stop being so overly terrified at nothing at all. But I am a big girl and can drink alot. I just can't handle it.

Nobody but my husband and my sisters have ever seen the end of the night puking and crying and embarrassement that is me. Friday night I gave it to my husband but good. I screamed every obsecenity I could think of at him. I don't remember any of it. Nothing at all. And I feel such shame for it. I was ashamed to be hungover and pathetic. Ashamed of me behavior towards my husband (it was by the time we headed home so no one witnessed it but him) I was ashamed of myself. I had manged to knock down over 11 shots of alcohol in one form or another.

This is not me. This is not who I want to be. I get depressed when I think of such ridiculous behavior at my age. And Glen does not deserve this and yet he is always forgiving and good to me.

I just want to be able to talk to people without being so afraid of what I don't even know or understand.

And I really want the puppy. I need the puppy. Please let it still be there on payday.

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