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I Will Never Be The Same
2004-02-14 - 9:44 p.m.

I remember our first Valentines Day together 8 years ago. But how could I forget that day? It sort of weighs in my heart when I think about it. I try not to remember too much except to thank God we can sit together now.

We'd barely been dating just over 7 months. I didn't know if he was going to be the one I'd spend forever with or not at that time. I was still trying to lick the wounds of my last relationship. I had to make a trip out to where my ex was to settle some paperwork. During the week I was gone, I called him on a wed. I remember that day well. I didn't get to talk long but I promised him I'd be home soon. I had a big suprise planned for when I got back to San Diego for I had scored a couple of tickets to see AC/DC in concert and I knew he'd be thrilled. He was not happy that I had to go but I thought the concert would make hime feel better. Just him and I and the ever-rocking melodious riffs off of Angus' guitar.

When I arrived hom on Saturday, I called his house to let him know I was back. I thought we'd go out to dinner then I'd hand him the tickets and we would finish the evening with a little love fest.

His roommate answered and said he hadn't seen him for days. This I couldnt believe. But he insisted that he hadn't seen him and it was weird beause all his clothes were there but his car (a brand-spankin new, turbo, eagle talon) were nowhere to be seen. At that time I figured he was still sore about the trip I'd made and making me suffer a bit. Two days went by and still no word from him. Again, his roommate said the same. I got angry and thought, fine! I'll go to the damn concert without him!

I took my sister with me. She's a HUGE Barry Mannilow fanatic so naturally she fit right in. However, in this case she rocked because she managed to get us out of the nosebleed section and down on the floor about 8 rows from the stage. So she earns browni points from me on that one. I bought him a concert t that I intended to throw at him for being so pigheaded towards me. Ah, but, little did I know.

I got a call from his brother the next day. He told me I'd better sit down. He told me he had been looking for his brother for days and he was indeed missing. An officer had gotten ahold of him and had Glens wallet. He told Mike that Glen had been in an automobile accident and was in Critical condition in an ICU at a hospital. He had totaled his car while speeding down the road next to the football stadium.

The last time Mike saw his brother was wed. night. The same night after I'd spoken to him on the phone. They had gone to the local country bar (the one we first met at) for a few drinks after work. That particular club was always wild on wed. nights. People lined up down the parking lot to get in. They had a few drinks then around midnight he headed for home. He didn't even live that far away. Ever since he got that car though he loved to drive it FAST. He was often doing about 110-120 down the freeway. Sometimes, when I was in the car. He was doing over 100mph when he hit a cement guard rail by the stadium. He went through the windshield. For the first few days, no one knew who he was. It wasn't looking good for him.

When I went to the ICU with my sister, I remember walking in and seeing beds circling around the hospital room. I stood by my sister and told her to help me find him. As I was glancing around the room I remember seeing this one guy lying on this large rotating mechanical platform of sorts. His face was swelled so badly and disfigured that it looked like something out of a horror movie. I whispered to my sister, man that guy looks f--ked up. And she kind of gasped and said Alana, isn't that him? I looked again and saw the familiar Excalibur type tattoo on his arm and my knees buckled and I had to hold onto her before I hit the floor.

I got up closer and for a second was afraid to look at him. They had done some reconstructive surgery on his eye but you could tell the scarring would be bad. His head was swelled to what looked like the size of a pumpkin and he was in a drug induced coma.

I suddenly began to weep. It was all my fault. I should have never left when I did, I should have called more, I shouldn't have gotten so mad that he didn't return my calls. I should've...The tears just kept coming and I got as close as I could. The doctors or nurses or whoever they were said it was unlikely he would live and if he was even lucky enough to do that, he would either be a breathing vegetable or have severe mental retardation.

A small voice in my head said, you can run now. No one would care or even give a damn if you leave at this point. Just walk out and don't look back. His parents didn't even know me except that I was divorced with 2 kids. They had wanted more for him that what I could have possibly offered. I could just. leave. I looked at him. I got as close as that rotating platform would allow and I said Glen? Glen? Can you hear me? I took his hand and squeezed it. I said, "Glen, it's Alana. I'm here. If you can hear me move your foot. Would you do that? Move your foot." And he did. It was a quick jerk or two but I swear he did.

"Everything is going to be ok. I'm right here. I'm not going anywhere. You're going to be OK. You hear me? You're gonna be OK."

And at that moment a sort of wave came over me. It was a sense of, I don't know, relief maybe. It was something and it told me that everything WOULD be ok.

I went and sat by his side every single day. I bought him a card for valentines day and a big teddy bear in a doctors suit. I read the card to him and gave hime a valentines day kiss. He lay there with his eyes glazed over.

That was our first Valentines day together. I'm glad to say that he did in fact pull through after being in a coma for about 6 weeks. And the therapy and healing and hospitals were all an uphill climb. If anyone would like to know what happened after Valentines day and so on I will share it later.

I guess what I'm saying is that I don't need cards, or jewelry, or candy or all that overly romantic hoo-haw. Although it is nice on occassion, I don't need it. I need him by my side. Me helping him, him helping me. I need him to laugh at my jokes and tell me I look pretty every now and then. I need to lay in bed next to him at night and play the rhyming game while we hold hands and I giggle because I have won again. I am a master at that game. I need to tell him how much I love him everyday, not just once a year.

And he is here but for the grace of God and just today I told him I love him to the moon and back. And now I must go to bed and beat im at rhymes till we fall asleep. Anyone know some words that rhyme with platipus?

Happy Valentines Day

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