I was 22 when I was finally diagnosed with Tourrettes Syndrom. That was 10 years ago. I'd never heard of it before. On the bright side I finally knew what was "wrong" with me. Other than that, not much else. Seems the doctors I had didn't know much either so every drug I was put on was more of an experiment to see if it worked. I remember the Haldol and Clonopin made me a drooling zombie.

One Christmas, I actually fell asleep on the lawn. Literally passed out cold for about 2 hours. My sisters found it entertaining so they just left me there. Gotta love them. I tried other treatments, saw several neuroligists, had eegs', and all the fun stuff that went with it. After about 5 years, I grew tired of being sedated and decided to live with the Tourettes. So I have seizures. So I bark like a dog. So I have ticks, and tend to do Obsessive/Compulsive things. I can live with it.

OK so I had occassional spells of psychosis and head banging. I'd cry and cry and crawl around my bed and bang my head for an hour or so and then I was spent and exhausted. This didn't happen very often but when it did my husband was there to pull me through.

When Em turned 1, I was rear ended at a stop sign. It was near Christmas and I had just put "Grandma Got Ran Over By a Reindeer" on. Oh the irony. Well, the woman plowed into my car hard enough to take the whole backend offand push my car across the road.

Emi was OK in her carseat but I was in hysterics.

I wound up with a sprained neck, sprained back and herniated discs in my neck and back. I also wound up with lots of pain pills. Codeine, Flexerall, Motrin and Vicodin. And alot of pain and physical therapy and a fear of driving.

Because of my Tourettes as well as other problems a new doctor decided to go a different rout. First it was Wellbutrin but that seemed to give me nightmares. Then it was Xanax for awhile but again, I felt overly sedated when adding that to all he pain pills. Finally, we settled on Zoloft. I have been on it for 3 years now.

Granit, I don't know what it does for me now. No, it doesn't stop seizures or O/C behavior or barking. However it seems to keep it alot calmer. If I am calmer then so is everything else.

The problem is, I am tired of pills. Tired of looking at them. Tired of feeling that I can't just be a "normal" person. Just plain tired of it. I just want to be me. Just, I don't know.

I suspect that the Zoloft has been the reason I have been unsuccessful on the weight loss. So do I want to be fat and mellow? I don't know.

When Glen left last week I decided to stop taking the pills. I don't know why I chose that time after all these years. I just thought I could do it. Why not, right? Cold turkey. Haven't picked up the bottle in a week.

Last night I could feel it. I knew an "episode" was coming on. I can feel it because I start to feel like all is not right in the world of Alana. I get edgy and I pace. I start to ponder my purpose and try to find the answers to questions that I must know NOW. Questions that cannot necessarily be answered. Things that I don't normally think about suddenly hover over me and it builds and builds till BAM! I don't know what to do with myself and it turns into sadness and fear so strong I have to bang it out of me. Literally. It's hard to explain but then my brain waves aren't the same. My nerve endings don't match up.

Glen always talked me through it years ago. Now he isn't here.

This afternoon I was like a frightened three year old hiding in my room. Crying hysterically over everything in the world and yet nothing at all and scared of myself. Scared of never being able to live without pills to calm my nerves and quiet my demons. I called Glen. It was about 6am his time but he knew right away I must've stopped taking my meds as I sobbed into the phone because I didn't know where the theater was and I didn't want to take medication anymore. I couldn't breath and practically hyperventilated. He talked me through it. After an hour I was back to normal. I made it through the rest of the day. Just like a normal, grown up mother. I even took the kids to the theater for the first time since I have come here.

I don't want my kids to see there mom when she is out of sorts. But I don't want to be the little round roly poly in the commercial anymore.

I want to try to be just me. how long will it take to be me again? I don't care about barking or jerking because that IS me. But I don't want to be medicated anymore.

This is a part of me that I wouldn't normally share but, I have to get it out of me. For whatever reason. Maybe it'll lead me to me.

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