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Can I get an Amen???
2004-01-03 - 10:30 a.m.

It's snowing again. It's funny though because there seems to be a wind blowing out there so, the snow is going up, down, sideways and doing loop-de-loops. They are the dancing snowflakes. Watch them swirl around.

On with another thought that has had me saddened. I read alot of diaries and a part of me feels so close to these people. Like I knew them from way back or something. When I read about their suffering I feel so sad. I want to reach out and help them somehow. Make it all better, and I can't. I feel bad for the tragedies they are experiencing and I wonder why God seems to have cut me a break and not them? I feel bad for feeling good. It doesn't seem fair that these women who I have grown to love in some funny way, should endure so much pain and hardship, while I sit here in my happy little world. I sometimes think I don't deserve it. Like, what did I do that was so special? Then I wonder if this means something tragic is bound to happen soon. You know, like something good can't stay good for long. I don't know. I'm just rambling here.

I like looking at the snow swirl around outside. It would be so serene right now except that Em just put Muppet Treasure Island in and the "Shiver My Timbers" song takes away from the silent falling snow.

I don't know where my thoughts were going before except that I feel for everyone whose life I peek into. I inwardly weep for the babies who are lost, the psycho-mother-in-laws, the husbands who occassionally "nut-up" on their wives for no real reason, the kids with the flu, the bad finances that make them lose sleep at night, the loneliness in the wee hours of the night that makes a person harm themselves when they can't think clearly, the women who want to diet because we have been trained to believe our outsides are more important then who we are as a whole, the frustrated new mothers who stress over what could be right or wrong and everyone whose problems exceed my own.

I have lived through everyone of them myself and then some. I have loved and lost. I have fought addictions and insanity. I have had to scrape myself from the bottom of the slimiest barrel and climb a jagged mountain.

It has taken a long time. But each day I'm nearer to the top. Each journal I rwad, I think, yea, I've been there. Then I want to tell them, "it's ok, if someone like me can pull through, so can you. You know 'that which does not kill us, makes us stronger". Those probably seem like empty words for those that suffer but I mean them with everything that is good within me.

Another thing that pulled me through, is the power of prayer. No I am not a 'holy roller'. I haven't been to church since the 6th grade. I hold no paticular religion either. I believe in a higher power that to me is very real. He is listening and He is watching. I believe it was my praying in all my darkest hours that pulled me through. You can imagine, I prayed alot. I guess it is time for me to pray for others too.

I know that sounds all churchy. I don't mean it to be. I am Far from being a saint. But I care and if in some small way, it'll help someone else, then it's worth a try?

Anyway, it's time for me to get dressed and go dance with the snowflakes.

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