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Matt, where art thou?
2003-04-27 - 12:11 p.m.

I dreamt about him again last night. He has been in and out of my dreams for 20 years now. I haven't seen him in in all of that time. Not since the 5th grade. I dream about him more than anyone in my life. I don't know if he is dead, or in trouble, or if maybe he is my one true soulmate and he is dreaming about me the same way. I don't know. If I don't find out soon I will probably go crazy. Each dream feels more intense than the last one and I am always crying knowing I will lose him and there seems to be nothing I can do about it. But he is most always the 12 year old boy I remember in the 5th grade.

He was a new student in the 5th grade. He was in my class. He had a brother in the other 5th grade class. His name was Matt Brady and he was tall and thin with tan skin and dirty blonde hair and big green/blue eyes. He seemed quiet and shy to me. I had an instant crush on his brother, James. James was brown eyed and rebellious and ready to fight. He soon became my little 5th grade boyfriend. But Matt, he was my best friend and we were practically inseperable. We walked to and from school daily. We were always talking and reading the same books. We could hang out without even saying a word. We were very comfortable around each other. We sought each others company so much that the teacher started calling us each others shadow. He'd carry my books to school and home and was always so sweet. He was the best friend I ever had. All the girls adored him but he spent all his time with me. I quickly became the envy of them and paid for it later.We spent all of 5th grade hanging out together. We went and saw ET. James went to but the only thing I remember is Matt and I in tears at the end even though he'd already seen it. He made me promise not to tell anyone and I didn't.

The first day of 6th grade he showed up at school and told me he needed supplies and would I go with him to the store. I told him he was crazy, we'd be late on our first day but he whipped out a 100 dollar bill and called a cab. I was so impressed. So off we went for supplies and then came back in the cab. Everyone saw us get out of the cab together and more evil looks were thrown my way. I guess the other girls had hoped the summer would have seperated us and 6th grade would be their turn.

Half way through the 6th grade, he didn't show up at school one day. His brother wasn't there either. I went to his house after school and it was empty. Just like that. Nobody in school knew where they went. I lost my best friend. The other girls who wanted to be my best friend before so they could be around him, all suddenly had nothing to do with me and began to make fun of me to boot. I was so lonely after that and the rest of 6th grade was awful. I figured he was at another elementary school in town and we would no doubt meet up again in the summer or in the 7th grade.

That summer I was sent to California to help my aunt with her toddler and newborn. I didnt mind going because I knew I'd be coming back home at the end. Turned out, my parents seperated and my mother moved to California at the end of the summer. I was not to be going back to Oklahoma. My mom told me that she had received a strange phonecall from a boy named James and his brother asking if they could come live with my mom for awhile in OKla. She didnt realize who it was and thought it was a strange call.

The boys father was an alcoholic biker who was into alot of drugs. I'd heard a few years later that he had skipped town owing dealers alot of money. That was the last I ever heard of them. And yet to this day he haunts my dreams.

Matt, you don't know how long I have wished I could find you and put whatever it is burning inside me to sleep. All I know is you went to Lee school in the 5th grade in Duncan, Okla. 1981. I hope wherever you are, you are ok. I also wonder if I have ever been in your thoughts over the years. It would suck to think you've always been with me but you have long since forgotten the 10 year old tomboy you hung out with so long ago.

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